Faith Questions: How Do I Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry?

It is one of the hardest questions we face in our walk with God.

Maybe it’s a family member who said something cutting and acted like nothing happened. Maybe it’s a former boss who treated you unfairly. Or maybe it’s a deep betrayal that changed the course of your life.

You’re waiting for an apology. You’re waiting for them to say, "I see the pain I caused, and I am so sorry."

But the apology never comes.

Instead, they move on. They act like nothing is wrong. They might even blame you for the distance.

So, how are you supposed to forgive someone who isn't even sorry? Is it even possible? Or are you stuck carrying this weight forever?

At Boundless Online Church, we believe faith isn't just about what happens on a Sunday morning. It’s about how we navigate these messy, painful moments in the middle of the week. Let’s look at what it really means to forgive when the other person doesn't seem to care.

Forgiveness is Not an Excuse

One of the biggest hurdles to forgiveness is a misunderstanding of what it actually is.

Often, we think that if we forgive someone, we are saying, "It’s okay," or "What you did didn't really matter."

But that isn't biblical forgiveness.

In fact, forgiveness is the opposite of an excuse. You don't need to forgive someone for something that was "okay." You only need to forgive when something was genuinely wrong, hurtful, or unjust.

By forgiving, you aren't saying the act was fine. You are acknowledging that a debt was created. You are looking at that debt and deciding that you are no longer going to let the other person’s refusal to pay it back control your life.

The Debt We Carry

Think of it like a financial debt. When someone hurts you, they "owe" you. They owe you an apology, they owe you restitution, or they owe you the time and peace they stole from you.

When you refuse to forgive because they aren't sorry, you are essentially staying "hooked" to them, waiting for them to pay you back.

The problem is, if they aren't sorry, they have no intention of paying.

If you wait for their apology to find peace, you are giving them the keys to your emotional and spiritual freedom. You are letting the person who hurt you decide when you get to be okay again.

Forgiveness is the act of releasing that debt. It’s saying, "You owe me, but I’m not going to spend the rest of my life trying to collect from someone who is bankrupt."

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

This is a crucial distinction that often gets lost.

Forgiveness is something you do in your own heart before God. It takes one person to forgive.

Reconciliation, however, is the restoration of a relationship. It takes two people to reconcile.

The Bible tells us in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Notice the phrasing: "If it is possible" and "as far as it depends on you."

Sometimes, it isn't possible.

If the person who hurt you isn't sorry, isn't changing their behavior, or is still unsafe to be around, reconciliation may not be the right path. You can forgive them (release the bitterness and the debt) without inviting them back into your inner circle or pretending the relationship is healthy.

You can release the "bird of peace" in your own heart while still maintaining the boundaries necessary to keep your life and family safe.

A Two-Stage Approach to Forgiveness

If you’re struggling with this today, it might help to look at forgiveness as a two-stage process.

Stage 1: Your Position of Forgiveness

This is your internal posture. It’s a decision you make between you and God.

You choose to stop wishing for their downfall. You choose to stop replaying the hurt in your mind. You pray for them, not necessarily that they get everything they want, but that God would work in their heart and lead them to truth.

In this stage, you are cultivating a merciful heart. You are staying "ready" to forgive if they ever do come to you in repentance. This keeps your heart soft and prevents bitterness from taking root.

Stage 2: The Transaction of Reconciliation

This stage only happens if the other person repents.

If they come to you, acknowledge the wrong, and seek to make it right, then the "transaction" of forgiveness can happen, leading to reconciliation.

But if they never do? You stay in Stage 1. You remain a person of peace, but you don't force a reconciliation that isn't built on a foundation of truth and change.

Why We Forgive: The 16 Fundamental Truths

At Boundless Online Church, we lean heavily on the core doctrines of our faith. When we talk about forgiveness, we are really talking about the heart of the Gospel.

In the 16 Fundamental Truths of the Assemblies of God, Truth #4 focuses on the Salvation of Man. It reminds us that we have all sinned and fallen short, yet God offered us forgiveness through the blood of Jesus while we were still sinners.

Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Jesus didn't wait for us to get our act together or say we were sorry before He provided the way for our forgiveness. He took the first step.

When we forgive someone who isn't sorry, we are reflecting the character of Christ. We are acknowledging that we, too, have been forgiven a debt we could never pay.

Truth #9 talks about Sanctification, the process of being made more like Jesus. Forgiving the "un-sorry" is a massive part of that process. it’s how we grow. It’s how we move from being controlled by our wounds to being led by the Holy Spirit.

Practical Steps to Letting Go

So, how do you actually do this? How do you move from feeling the sting of the hurt to the freedom of forgiveness?

1. Acknowledge the Pain. Don't "Christian-wrap" your hurt. If it hurts, tell God it hurts. He can handle your honesty.

2. Identify the Debt. What exactly do you feel they owe you? Write it down if you have to. Then, visually "cancel" the debt in prayer.

3. Pray for the Person. It is incredibly hard to hate someone you are consistently praying for. Ask God to show them the truth and to heal whatever brokenness in them caused them to hurt you.

4. Set Necessary Boundaries. Forgiveness doesn't mean being a doormat. If the person is unrepentant, you may need to limit contact to protect your peace and your family.

5. Focus on Your Own Walk. Don't let their lack of an apology stall your spiritual growth. You have a purpose and a calling that is bigger than the hurt you’ve experienced.

A Word for the Weary

We know that for some of you reading this, perhaps a shift worker sitting in a quiet breakroom or a caregiver up late at night, the pain is very fresh. Maybe you’re in a situation where you can’t even speak up about the hurt because it’s not safe.

Please know that God sees you. He is the "God who sees" (El Roi). He knows the apology you never got. He knows the tears you’ve cried in private.

Forgiveness isn't about letting the other person "win." It’s about you winning back your peace. It’s about refusing to let someone else’s sin determine the quality of your soul.

Join the Conversation

We are a community that walks through these hard questions together. Whether you are navigating family conflict, workplace issues, or deep trauma, you don't have to do it alone.

If you’re looking for a place to grow and find support, check out our Online Groups. We have spaces where you can talk through these "Faith Questions" with others who understand the journey.

You can also join us for our Sunday Live Worship where we dive deeper into the Word and find strength in community, no matter where in the world you are.

Need prayer? Text 1-901-213-7341 (message & data rates may apply). Not for emergencies.

Boundless Online Church is a ministry of FA Memphis. We help people meet Jesus and grow in faith online.