How to Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry: Finding Freedom in Grace
- Boundless Team
- Mar 22
- 5 min read
Forgiving someone who isn’t sorry is about your freedom, not their behavior. It’s a deliberate choice to release resentment and trust God’s justice. By decoupling forgiveness from an apology, you reclaim your peace and stop allowing past hurts to control your future. This grace-filled path aligns with biblical teaching, offering emotional healing and spiritual growth through the power of the Holy Spirit.
What the Word Says
Colossians 3:13 (NIV) "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Luke 23:34 (NIV) "Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.' And they divided up his clothes by casting lots."
Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV) "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'"
Romans 12:19 (NIV) "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord."
The Myth of the Necessary Apology
We often stay stuck in a loop of pain because we are waiting for something that may never come: an apology. We tell ourselves, "If they would just admit what they did," or "If they just understood how much they hurt me, then I could move on."
But here is the hard truth: waiting for an apology gives the person who hurt you the keys to your emotional prison. It keeps you tethered to the very person who caused the damage. At Boundless Online Church, we believe that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and it’s a gift fueled by the grace God has already given us.
In the Assemblies of God, we look to the 16 Fundamental Truths for guidance. Truth #4 reminds us of the "Fall of Man." Because we live in a fallen world, people are often blind to their own faults. They may be so caught up in their own brokenness that they lack the capacity to see the pain they’ve caused you. If your healing depends on their realization, you might be waiting forever.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation
One of the biggest hurdles to letting go is confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. They are not the same thing.
Forgiveness is a solo act. It happens in your heart between you and God. It is the decision to release the debt you feel someone owes you. You can forgive someone while they are a thousand miles away, or even if they are no longer living.
Reconciliation, however, is a team sport. It requires two people. It requires the offender to repent and the offended to trust again. You can forgive someone who isn't sorry, but you cannot reconcile with them. You don't have to invite a toxic person back to your dinner table to forgive them. You can release the bitterness while still maintaining healthy boundaries.
The Power of a Shifted Focus
When we hold onto a grudge, our focus is entirely on the offender. We replay the scene. We rehearse our arguments. We visualize their hypothetical apology. This focus consumes our mental and spiritual energy.
To find freedom, we have to shift that focus inward and upward. Instead of looking at what they did, we look at what God is doing in us.
In our Clarion Call Bible Study, we often discuss how the Holy Spirit empowers us to do what is naturally impossible. Naturally, we want "an eye for an eye." Supernaturally, through the "Baptism in the Holy Spirit" (Truth #7), we receive the power to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.
When you stop looking for an apology and start looking for God’s peace, you reclaim your power. You stop being a victim of someone else’s choices and start being a steward of your own heart.
Practical Steps to Letting Go
How do you actually do this when your heart is still stinging? It’s rarely a one-time event; it’s usually a daily choice.
Acknowledge the Debt: Be honest about the hurt. Don't minimize it. Tell God exactly how it feels. You can't release a debt you haven't named.
Make the Choice: Say it out loud: "I am not going to hold this against you anymore. I release the right to get even."
Transfer the Case: Romans 12:19 tells us to "leave room for God’s wrath." When you forgive, you aren't saying the person got away with it. You are simply handing the "file" over to the ultimate Judge. God is far better at handling justice than we are.
Pray for Them: This is the hardest part, but it’s the most effective way to break the chains of bitterness. You don't have to pray for them to be successful; just pray for God to work in their life. It’s hard to hate someone you are genuinely bringing before the throne of grace.
Walking in the Spirit
Forgiving without an apology is a high calling. It’s exactly what Jesus did on the cross. Before anyone said, "I’m sorry," Jesus said, "Father, forgive them." He didn't wait for the Roman soldiers to feel guilty or for the crowd to repent. He offered grace while the wounds were still fresh.
As a global community, we have many members in our Bible Study Club who live in difficult situations, family caregivers, shift workers, and those in unsafe areas. The one thing we all have in common is that we will be hurt by people who aren't sorry.
But we aren't alone. We have the Holy Spirit to lead us into "Sanctification" (Truth #9). This is the process of becoming more like Christ every day. Christ-likeness is never more visible than when we extend grace to the unrepentant.
If you are struggling with this today, don't beat yourself up. It’s a journey. Some days you will feel free, and other days the anger will flare back up. When it does, go back to the cross. Remind yourself of the massive debt God forgave you, and ask for a fresh infilling of His Spirit to help you release the smaller debt of others.
Finding Your Community
You don't have to carry this weight by yourself. Healing often happens in the context of community and prayer. Whether you are a long-time believer or someone who is just checking things out, we want to walk with you.
If you have a specific situation that is weighing on you, please share it on our Prayer Wall. Our global family would love to stand with you in prayer as you seek the strength to let go and find the peace that surpasses all understanding.
A Prayer for Release
"Heavenly Father, I come to You with a heavy heart. You know the hurt I’ve carried and the apology I’ve been waiting for. Today, I choose to stop waiting. I release [Name] to You. I hand over my right to revenge and my demand for an admission of guilt. Fill those empty spaces in my heart with Your Holy Spirit. Give me the strength to walk in freedom and the grace to see others through Your eyes. Thank You for forgiving me when I didn't deserve it. I choose to do the same today. In Jesus’ name, Amen."
Next Steps
We help people meet Jesus and grow in faith online. If this post spoke to you, we invite you to dive deeper into our community resources.
Watch a Message: Catch up on our latest Sunday Sermons to hear more about living a life of grace.
Join the Conversation: Connect with others in our Bible Study for Men or our general community groups.
Reach Out: We are here for you.
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Boundless Online Church is a ministry of FA Memphis.
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